Changes

Tuesday my husband asked me when he got home from work, do you want to go walking in the morning?  Of course I said yes.  This is something me and Joe use to do most mornings before he started traveling so much. Frankly I missed our morning chats as we do laps at the YMCA. Since he started traveling I let myself get out of the habit.  It was good to have my motivator again.

We went walking yesterday and again today.  Yesterday we kind of got a late start but today I was back to my 4:30 a.m. wake up.  I know I'm strange but I do enjoy that early hour.  It's so quiet and peaceful at that time of day.  I'm hoping to keep it up even after Joe goes back on the road.  It's so easy to let it slide when no one is going with you.  It seems I do better when I know someone is counting on me to go with them.  I need to learn to be self motivated though.

What I've learned about husbands

Now this isn't something new.  I'm sure we've all heard it. The question is how many of us practice it consistently?  That is the Golden Rule - Treat others like you want to be treated.  Now if I'm honest with myself I know I tend to let it slip in several areas with my relationship with my husband.  I just get comfortable and don't put forth as much effort.  It is a constant battle to be consistent.  Let me give some examples.

I want my husband to listen when I talk to him but do I fully listen to him when he's talking to me.  Honestly not always.  I find myself doing the head nod, and the uh uh sound of agreement like I am but we all know that is not truly listening.  I found myself tuning out whenever he'd start talking about a subject I wasn't really interested in, especially when he would start getting into the details of his job.  See my husband is an controls engineer and honestly I had no clue what he was talking about and he would go into extreme detail.  I think it is an engineer thing.  The thing is I would get upset when I didn't feel he was listening to me.  It occurred to me that if I want him to listen and engage in the conversation of my choice, I would have to do the same for him.  That meant paying attention and doing some reading so I knew what he was talking about.  Now it doesn't sound like a foreign language to me.  I have a general knowledge and can carry on a relatively good conversation with him or at least ask him questions.  Don't get me wrong I don't have near the understanding of the subject as he does but at least he knows I'm listening to him.  Am I perfect at it?  Not yet but I keep working on it.

I want my husband to be considerate of me, my wants and needs.  But was I paying attention to his?  It can be simple things like asking him if he would like a drink or something when you get up to get yourself one.  Making sure he has a lunch for work or breakfast before he leaves.  It could also be big things that do require you to sacrifice like living in a hotel for 6 weeks while he travels.  Believe it or not that was a big deal to my hubby.  We recently did this.  The intention was to be with him for at least 2 to 4 weeks but turned into 6.  He wanted us to stay longer.  I think it helped him deal with the stress of his job.  But I noticed that by making those efforts to be there for him, he has started doing it in return.

I think sometimes when we have been married for awhile, we just get complacent and let things slide.  In the beginning of our marriages we tend to go through what people call the honeymoon stage where he just knows we are crazy about him because of the way we treat them.  After awhile though we tend to let kids, work, commitments, and everything else come between us.  It takes a lot of effort but I want my marriage to work so I'll keep working on the faults I see in me and the ones I know he sees in me.  Now before someone gets bent out of shape about that last comment, he does not say anything about me in a nasty or degrading way.  But if you pay attention you will pick up on things that your husband doesn't really like.  I remember sitting in our couples Sunday School class and they were talking about how women are emotion driven.  One of the examples was eating out because they didn't feel like cooking that day,  he gave me a quick side glance but never said a word about it.  It wasn't really a rebuke but I heard him.  He didn't really like getting that call can we go out to eat for dinner tonight, I really don't feel like cooking.  He has never told me no we couldn't but I did get the sense he really didn't like it.   I started trying to look at it from his perspective.  After thinking about it for awhile it kind of dawned on me.  After working all day the only thing he wants to do is come home put on some comfy clothes and relax with the family not run around town.  Honestly I'd want the same thing.  I also realized it was a waste of money because it costs more to eat out than to cook.  Besides as a housewife it is my job and how many bosses will let you tell them I didn't do it because I didn't feel like it.  Sometimes you have to do what you don't feel like doing because it is what is best.  As a benefit, my family eats more healthy and my husband feels respected because I ain't blowing his money or demanding he do things for me when he's tired.

I hope to get better at showing my hubby that I love him everyday.  Because when I honestly look at things I can't change him or others I can only change me and people respond to you by the way you treat them.

Marriage

Yesterday the children and I were sitting around the school table talking about a variety of topics.  Most were not really school related but were about life in general.  I mentioned that Dad was going to be coming home next week and that he would be home through October.  Of course, the children were excited about that bit of news.  It did prompt one of my children to tell me about his friend's family.  He says, " you know I have never seen his (talking about his friend) mom and dad show affection to each other."  The other boys, who are friends with them also, tell me yeah they don't even sit next to each other when they watch movies.  The boys went on to tell me different things, such as not going to bed at the same time, not always sleeping in the same bed, no kissing, no hand-holding, and so on.  My oldest then tells me, "yeah and the married people at work call their spouse old man or old lady."  Of course this starts the kids telling me about all they have observed about married couples in general.

It wasn't a criticism of these people it was more of why is this family different kind of thing and why do you and dad act like you do?  This really made me pause and think about things.  It's funny how life presents teachable moments when you least expect them.  I also thought it was pretty cool that the children do notice how Joe and I treat each other compared to how other couples behave.  It also made me take notice of the fact that my kids are watching other people, which means other children are watching us.  Do you ever stop and think about the huge impact your life has on society?

Curious about what I told the kids?  Sure you are. LOL  Well here it goes.  Mom and Dad's relationship is the most important one next to our relationship with God.  We try really hard to make sure you children see that and that we each feel that.  I want your dad to know I love him unconditionally.  I want you children to know that dad is the most important person to me. Do I always succeed? no.  I do have a sin nature after all.  Not an excuse, just a fact. You should always try to make your spouse feel loved and respected, not just once in awhile.  Dad and I show that love by doing those things.  Now let's think about it.  Would you feel loved if I never hugged you or told you?  How about if I never did anything with you?  A lot of couples let their relationship fall to the wayside by not nurturing it daily.  Those things we do help keep our relationship strong.

Honestly some of the stuff the kids mentioned never crossed my mind not to do.  Families need a mom and they need a dad and they need a mom and dad that love each other.  When the kids know that the parents love each other they feel secure.  They know they can go out and explore the world and mom and dad will still be there when they come back.  We show our love intentionally by holding hands, giving each other a kiss, going to bed together, and watching movies sitting next to each other.  We also made a decision along time ago not to call each other mom, dad, old lady, and old man.  Those names change the way you feel about each other and the way you treat each other.  I find them disrespectful.  Now Joe and I have been known to say them when we are teasing each other in good humor.

I feel there is room for improvement in our marriage.  I know I do things wrong.  Many I have been working on correcting.  But it is nice to get confirmation from the children that we are doing something right and hopefully they do it in their marriages.  After all their is no better way to teach than by example.